Most of us know that when we encounter something that is disturbing to us, it’s a hidden part in us, we don’t want it since it has hurt us when we were exposed to it, or we were ashamed, punished or ridiculed when we innocently exhibited such behaviour.
If we belong to the group that likes to face our pains and want to bring those hidden parts to the light we work on it and often we see that after some time it pops up again. This can be quite frustrating if you believe that you still did not get the message well…..or worse you believe that all you did in the first place had no effect, was done for nothing. I have seen that this even can lead to giving up on the process all together and to start believing that you are meant to live a mediocre life with nothing much to expect.
Since I have become aware of those four steps we make in our journey to integrate hidden parts in us it has become much clearer and more encouraging. Here they come.
First step: To accept
First we are invited to accept that we have a hidden part. Most of us spend much time to prevent unconsciously such awareness. Because for most of us it’s a big act of defiance to acknowledge at all that we have such a part in us. Once we do want to accept that part we often need to release a (huge) load of fear energy stored in our body.
To open that door might be quite scary but once you went though there is much of space and freedom. You feel more relaxed in yourself and you feel less disturbed as you get confronted with a certain behaviours. Eg. You accepted your sloppy part in you and now you have more peace if your kids make a mess in the house without making a big drama you can ask them to pick things up.
Once we have taken this step we might think we are done, and many like to stay in this newly build comfort zone. But letting go the fear opens also new possibilities. Letting go of the fear of water opens the possibility of swimming, yet it does not make us a swimmer. Rather it’s now time to learn the skill, to live the newly gained possibilities and life invites us to take the next step. It mainly does that to expose you to more extreme behaviour that again evokes resistance in you and asks for new skills in order to handle it.
Second step: To welcome
Now we are invited to welcome that part in us. We don’t just acknowledge that it’s there but we say yes to it. It’s now a visitor in our house whom we also introduce to others, perhaps first just to close friends. Practically this means that you start expressing the part. E.g. now it’s not just to keep your cool if others are sloppy but you are invited to be sloppy yourself at times. Perhaps you break your hand and can’t do all the work anymore and it could drive you crazy or into the step of welcoming sloppiness into your life. The second option is your invitation.
The part of learning the skill can be hard at times, it mostly strokes with how we think things should be, but now we can learn it, if we allow a deeper healing in ourselves. When you do that it’s very possible that you feel resistance here and again some fear energy on a deeper level is ready to be released.
Some might now think: “why would I want to invite sloppiness into my life? It’s good to accept it, but it’s not what I want for me. I don’t choose it”. If you take the invitation to welcome that part you will quickly find out that you actually don’t choose it, but you have to do it. It’s related to a fear inside of you, often the fear of being rejected, punished, ignored…..roughly said: the fear to be unloved, alone or even in danger. Very untrue as you might agree, your kids don’t love you because you clean all the time, they actually would perhaps love to do other things with you, but you have no time……and to be ignored ………., just think how many times you ask for something and they ignored you and last but not least…….. the one that has punished you in the past has no physical power over you anymore …true? It’s more likely that your husband can get wild because you never can relax and let things just be. We can put any invitation here and you will see it in most cases it’s the same pattern. Our rescue of the past becomes our prison of today. By welcoming the part into your life you will be released from the prison you have put yourself in. And just as for any prisoner who gains his freedom after many years your part needs patience and compassion for being clumsy and unskilled at times and often also the help of others to find its new way in the free world.
But guess what life wants us not only to do some stressful learning and to expand our capacities, it wants us to enjoy it, to have fun with it and invites us again. In my next blog I love to share step three and four, embracing and loving a part and what this practically means
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As always, happy if you share your experience with repeated emotions or events. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask.